Tuesday, June 26, 2007

This Love


This post was brought to you by Pantera - metal at some of its finest.

Monday, June 25, 2007


If I've been invited to an event/ party/ gathering whatever at a bar, I expect the people who have organised it to be there to meet and greet the first people who arrive.

Especially if I have been specifically urged and requested to get there at a particular time because there is a reserved area.

Is that too much to ask?

So when I turn up at the requested time, to an empty venue, and on my own, what am I left thinking?

Pretty fucking useless.

People are looking for a familiar face when they go into a venue for the first time. They're looking for familiarity - I know I do! I'm expecting to see someone I know.

Also - if someone says they're going to turn up, is it too much to actually expect them to turn up? Am I the only one that thinks it's pretty fucking rude to say you'll be somewhere and then not turn up?

You do it to yourself/ You do/ And that's what really hurts

I don't know whether to laugh or cry for Goans and their behaviour.


This post was brought to you by Radiohead

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Tire Me

[Tirade of the tired]

I am tired.

Tired of madness,
Tired of sadness,
Tired of looking good,
And looking bad.

Tired of wanting,
Tired of wilting,
Tired of feeling like I ought to do something.

Tired of feeling,
Tired of feeling - like the world is against me/you/ us/ them/ humanity.
Tired of debating the existence of God.

Tired of badness, and evil.
Tired of goodness, and truth.
Tired of being right, making wrong, dominating, justifying
Tired of loving, relating, accepting, and compromising.

Tired of avoiding,
Tired of confronting,
Tired of smiling,
Tired of frowning.

Tired of pretentiousness and overwrought self-pity,
Tired of blandness and fake generosity,
Tired of arrogance, righteousness, and chronic fatigue.

Tired of claiming the truth.

Tired of leading,
Tired of creating,
Tired of inspiring,
Tired of praising.

I am tired of dying
one moment at a time.

Get busy living.

Then it ends.


This post was brought to you by Rage Against the Machine They have a song called Tire Me on Evil Empire - check it out.

PS Check out tired.com

PPS http://www.slate.com/id/2103823/

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Another Version of the Truth

Year Zero. New NIN album.

It's good. It's urgent. It has a definite theme and structure to it.

It's also going to take more than one listen to get into. Sometimes the best albums do - 'OK Computer' by Radiohead took me a bit of time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...I know I keep using NIN titles for my posts...but this one got me thinking (it's a track off the new album).

I've also watched the 'Loose Change' documentary. Perhaps I am becoming paranoid...perhaps I am just questioning appropriately. But I have always had a healthy distrust of the mass media. Reading 'Manufacturing Consent' by Noam Chomsky brought it out in me. Can I always believe everything I read?

The good historian in me tells me I can draw conclusions based on evidence.

Interesting thing is that in our educational system, a limited number of sources are given to our children for them to reach the 'right' judgements. Surely the best way of teaching history is to give ALL the evidence to children, and let them draw their own conclusions? Do we really need to teach children 'analysis' and 'judgement' skills?

I watched Loose Change and drew some conclusions based on the evidence presented.

I also watched some stuff about a company called Steorn. They claim to have invented a perpetual motion machine. Free energy. Violating the laws of thermodynamics. That's a very big deal. Interestingly, one of the executives of Steorn says the levels of outrage the company has received about their inventions was similar to religious fundamentalism and dogma. And that's after approaching over 100 universities about their findings; only a handful were interested!

I did think about a kind of 'science fundamentalism' - I suppose it's just a willingness, want or need to be 'right' in all circumstances. I rememember hearing about Copernicus being thrown into jail for suggesting the earth revolved around the sun. Is it always the way with anything revolutionary? Humanity cannot accept it.

Currently the technology is being tested independently after Steorn took out a one-page advert issuing a 'slap in the face' to science. Results are due to be published by the end of the year.

I might buy shares in Steorn.

I have also learned from an experience in 1998 that I want to be right more than anything in the world. I think it's a human being thing. Wanting to be right costs me all sorts of things; I just don't always think in those terms. When I do, it's illuminating to say the least, because I am then presented with a choice. Continue with the current course of action, or create something else.

Am I accepting another version of the truth? [Not to be too obscure/ geeky - follow this link, then click and drag. It's part of the whole Year Zero package. Cover art for Year Zero is also awesome].


PS Watch Loose Change, An Inconvenient Truth and find out about Steorn...if you choose.


PPSS Respect to shadow falcon's blog - there's a post along a similar theme there - and I got the pic from that blog

Friday, June 08, 2007

Climbing up the Walls

Screaming at the top of your voice and not hearing anything. That's a disturbing dream I have had before. Allowing myself to get so angry that I punch the floor and end up fracturing a knuckle. That's almost ridiculous and teenage like.

And not a dream.

I'm not particularly known for having a bad temper. In fact, it's more the opposite: rational, mature level-headed. But having punched a wall in anger and damaged it, punching the floor the next time I got angry seemed a logical step.

I didn't want to break anything; it was more about hurting myself than hurting anyone else. Physical pain tends to divert the mind from whatever other nonsense is happening. That was the intention anyway.

The punch has brought back to me the rather over-the-top dramatic way I used self-harm when I got angry. It was a way of demanding attention, manipulating others, and as I saw it at the time - keeping myself sane. I assert that anyone immersed in the realm of heavy metal music and alternative culture is doing so as a way of dealing with something. I felt the lyrics, gigs and clubs reflected my state of mind, and allowed me to channel my energy.

In truth, I still do.

I'm not sure what is leading me down this route at the moment, but my level-headedness has deserted me. I know I'm better that this too - that's the rub - I can see that I have a choice about how to behave in any situation, and I'm not making the 'highest' choice.

Still, being dramatic now isn't all-consuming the way it used to be. Thank God.

Speaking of God, I'm also finding it hard to hear God's voice(or said another way, use the Force). Normally, it's loud and clear; the path has been easy to follow. Now I really have to concentrate.

I think the punch was a turning point. Seeing my hand swell up like that, and bruise, really did give me something else to think about! I got a bit of a shock when I went to A&E and saw the x-ray!

It was not only the pain, but starting to examine the motives behind it, and having to explain it to people without wanting to lie or seem dramatic. I wonder what people thought when I told them? Were they uncomfortable? Did they think I was lying? Were they reminded of the times they got angry? Did they enjoy it? Was I enjoying relating the story?

There are also some (important?) people I have not told, and may never know.

I heard a quote somewhere recently that to be angry is to be human. Rage Against the Machine have intoned your "anger is a gift".


But, however much I might avoid it, I really get: I am not my thoughts and feelings. I have started making little changes. For example, for about six weeks I have not given a second thought as to what I have put inside my body. The food I have eaten has been consistently not good for me. So, since last Thursday I have been elevating my awareness of what I am eating.

I've also been actually doing my Pilates. It's calming, I stand straighter and breathe more effectively. Rather than punching a wall, it's a demands physical concentration in a positive way.

It has taken something from me to effect these little things. First confronting that I am responsible for everything in my life, and then acting on it. I'm reminded of the clever radio advert from BT 118 at the moment - the guy talking about his to do list. How some things are 'permanently mid-table, and never make it to the top.'

Yesterday I completed everything I wanted to complete - and enjoyed it.

All this having a positive effect on my mood and outlook. It's up to me then right? After the up comes a down, and then an up...oh and then a down...a rollercoaster right?

Jesus is my homeboy. He's got my back.


This post was brought to you by Radiohead, one of the most musically innovative bands ever.