Friday, August 11, 2006


Generally, being self-absorbed is not a good thing.

Getting told that I'm self-absorbed by various important people who 'know me best' is not nice.

I guess one has to be pretty self-absorbed to have a blog on the internet (but at the end of it all, it depends on one's intention and purpose...)

On the one hand, I'm struggling with establishing my own life, ideas, purpose, space, etc. On the other hand, I've got to acknowledge the support of those around me. Being lucky enough to have parents that will support me all the way is a privilege I can take for granted.

No-one likes to be taken for granted.

It's something I do quite easily...friends, family, my body - all taken for granted.

Me? Selfish? I guess so.

Stop whining, think of others and get on with it.


PS This post was brought to you by the band Pitchshifter

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Step Down

I keep hearing this word integrity passed about everywhere.

I think people don't know what it means.

It's all in my face right now because I'm not perfect. It's more of the same I've had on my blog: who I've let down, what's happened now, the frustration of it all, taking it personally and all that. I'd much rather give myself a hard time - that's what I'm used to.

After reading "They F**k You Up: How to Survive Family Life" by Oliver James, the past affects me more than I'd like to admit (but I'd experienced that anyway from something else I've done) fact a lot of what the book says, I've experienced before.

For example what he says about creating a space for insight to happen - is when things really change - but doing this intentionally is the hard part (hmm...insight is realising something about yourself accompanied by some kind of emotional experience or resonance - in fact I've done something that provides this kind of thing all the time...) much as I love life, and people and going for it, I get easily frustrated (I suppose we all do)...and I want everything to be perfect.

Which leads me back to this word/ idea/ principle of integrity.

I don't think many people have a clue about it. Yet I keep reading it and hearing it everywhere.

I bought a copy of a magazine called Psychologies where they go on about it. It was funny - when I bought the magazine, I didn't think anything about it, but it soon became apparent that it's targeted at women...oh well...I suppose us blokes don't think about stuff like that do we...puh...

But integrity...I first came across it in a book I read by Stephen Covey (google him if you want, then you'll find out the book...the rest is up to you)...he said honesty is conforming your words to your reality - and anyone can do that...lying is easy (and I do that with impunity...although I've been counting the number of times I lie...and tryna decrease it...kinda twisted, but kinda fun).

He then says integrity is conforming your reality to your words. Being my word. Hmm...a whole different kettle of fish. On a basic level - calling someone on time. On a deeper level - honouring the relationship with my sister, by sharing my life with her and letting it all out with her - purely cos she's my sis.

Now I do all those things at the basic level. But honouring my word? I find that much harder. I don't call my friends...(it's true I have no comes over to see me at the flat...hehehe - it's all my fiancee's friends!) I'm not involved with my extended family much at all (apart from the big days: birthdays, Christmas, Easter, all that) - cousins, aunts, uncles? I'm not great with it. Tough but true.

I could go on.

Don't get me wrong - it's not about sounding self-pitying. More about telling the truth, and that I don't know what the future holds. Anything can happen.

And I do have a say in the matter...oops yeah...

In the beginning there was the word... (now where have I heard that before)


PS This post title is from a song by a band call Sick of It All