Thursday, May 07, 2009

25 Things I Don't Want To Know About You

So this is from a ubiquitous social networking site...25 random things, facts, habits, or goals I don't want to know about you. I was originally 'tagged' in someone's 'note'...which means I'm supposed to respond with my 25 things.

So here's what I don't want to know about you.

1. How many times you've been in love.
If you're not in love now, no-one gives a shit. If you've never been in love, no-one gives a shit. Grow up. Get on with your life.

2. How your childhood was.
No it's not funny, or nostalgic or in any way interesting to man woman or beast. Everyone was a child. Everyone was happy, and shit happened. It's now in the past. Move on.

3. How wonderful your parents were.
Unless you're still a teenager, you should have matured enough to realise they did the best they could, with the knowledge and resources they had. That of course doesn't necessarily make them wonderful - but you say they're wonderful to show you don't have any issues.

4. How horrible your parents were.
Unless you're still a teenager, you should have matured enough to realise they did the best they could, with the knowledge and resources they had. That of course doesn't necessarily make them horrible - but you say they're horrible to show you have lots of issues and need help.

5. Who your heroes are.
Why broadcast this? Oh purely to make yourself look good to everyone - of course! Everyone loves someone who's hero is David Beckham, Gandhi, or the Dalai Lama. The thing is, so few people can be funny or original - it just comes off as fake.

6. Your taste in music.
There's only good music and bad music. And even then, it's completely subjective...and most probably influenced by what you hear in the mass media...so not even remotely worth listening to. This is especially true if you're a music critic.

6. Your taste in food.
As above. (Note: especially true if you're a food critic).

6. What your dreams are.
Look unless you're putting your dream out there for people to support you in achieving it, and you're serious about it - you're just spouting hot air. Best to shut up.

7. How you eat your food.
How the fuck can this be interesting for anyone? Jelly babies, wine gums, lunches, sandwiches, mum's home-cooked meal and all that...it's just there to be enjoyed.

8. Some vaguely embarrassing incident that happened when you were a child.
The sad thing about this is that it reveals more about your behaviour now than you realise. Stop telling everyone about it and save yourself looking like a prick.

9. That you actually watch Pop Idol/ X-Factor/ Britain's Got Talent/ Big Brother/ Dancing on Ice etc. and you've phoned up one of the shows.
Now please go and give yourself a frontal lobotomy. Oh wait - you've done that already.

10. Who your first childhood crush was.
See number 8.

11. That you're actually quite geeky.
What you really mean is, you're actually quite intelligent and not a total fuckwit. But you're really afraid of being thought of as a total geek. That's because all 'intelligent' people are socially inept and 'uncool'.

12. Your annoying habits.
Surely this is self-explanatory? Why the fuck would I want to know something about you that is annoying? Moreover - why would you tell a load of friends?

13. Anything to do with the "Three Things You Should Never Talk About" - that's Sex, Politics, and Religion.
You risk of alienating people on the one hand...on the other, you get to be 'controversial' and 'non-conformist'...but really you just want to look like you have an opinion - when you don't know fuck all.

14. How many friends you have on "a-n-other-socialnetworkingsite" .
Oh sorry I forgot it's a popularity contest, and you really do know all those 'friends' don't you?

15. Some vague bodily affliction.
For fuck's sake - I don't give a shit if you always get verrucas, shave your eyebrows or wax your hairy back. Don't fucking tell me stuff that REALLY should remain private. I don't need images like that floating around my head keeping me awake at night.

16. Corrective surgery you had.
So you're actually deformed then? What are you inbred?

17. Some really obvious fact everyone knows. Except that you: i) only found out about recently, ii) keep forgetting or iii) need to keep reminding yourself about.
How do I say this? You. Are. Fucking. Dumb.

18. Some strange or special talent you have.
OK - how do I say this one? You. Are. Fucking. Weird.

19. If you're male - that you like a chick-flick or if you're female - that you love action movies.
Yeah alright - we know you're only doing it to appeal to the opposite sex. A bit like "Attention Ladies - I enjoy Grey's Anatomy". Whatever.

20. A Controversial Opinion.
In a way, this relates to
"Three Things You Should Never Talk About" except usually the "Controversial Opinion" is either about something mundane, or it's just a contradiction to 'the norm'. Whatever it is, it's usually a way for the person to seem like they're interesting - when they're really not. Often expressed (as someone close to me says) as Being Controversial For The Sake Of Being Controversial. Fuck off, do some research and get some real opinions.

21. Super-duper, Super-Clever, Postmodern-Ironic-Honesty. (e.g.
I'm writing this 25 Things About Me list for attention and sympathy).
It's a double-bluff - they want the attention and sympathy, but think they're being humorous and 'cool' by meta-commenting on it. In reality they're in serious danger of disappearing up their own backside. Or having someone jam them up there. No-one likes people who think they know-it-all...but actually don't.

22. Using words of five syllables or more on a website.
Talk about making yourself difficult to understand. People reading stuff on-screen means their eyes are more likely to tire. Using long words means their eyes are more likely to close. And of course what you're saying will get completely lost. Especially to the vast (stupid) majority of people (can you even think of a word with five syllables or more - let alone get it into a sentence?)

23. Some stupidly tenuous and pointless link with a vaguely famous person (i.e. a claim to fame).
The cult of celebrity is one of the biggest problems with society today. Everyone wants their 15 minutes of fame. People famous for being famous? No-one without the afore-mentioned frontal lobotomy gives a fuck about people like that. What makes you think I'd be interested in how you met/ are linked to a nobody? Meeting a genuine hero (e.g. Mandela, Dalai Lama etc.) might be a bit different, but would most likely be a humbling and authentic experience...and humanity could do with a whole lot more humble pie and authenticity...

24. What you did last night/ summer/ year/ winter/ holiday.
Boring. Boooorrrrrrrrrrriiiiiing.
When someone writes something like this on their list - they're running out of things to say. Reading what they write is like looking through someone-you-hardly-know's holiday photos (oh wait you do that on myface anyway...silly me).

25. When you last cried or what makes you cry.
Attention-seeking at its most crude. And if it's a male - a blatant attempt to appear sensitive and thereby more fuckable.

25. Blatant lies.
The simplest form of attention-seeking. On a list like this - designed either to get a laugh (unlikely) or make the person seem clever (highly unlikely). Yet society values people who can spout a good line in bullshit: politicians, priests, celebrities and sports-people all spring to mind. I'm sure there are more (teachers perhaps?)

So there you have it.

Interestingly, these 25(?) things can all be summed up as an attempt to look good to everyone.

The even greater thing is - my wildly creative, humorous, forward-thinking, zeitgeist-challenging post is just that - an attempt to make myself look good to everyone who reads this blog.

Am I part of the problem?

PS This post relates to my earlier 25 Things About Me Post in April..