Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Be careful with advice...

I got in contact with someone I used to teach through the wonders of Facebook, and they asked me for my opinion on a particular situation. So I thought, and wrote. And the results were interesting enough for me to post here.

But first a quote, and at the same time a disclaimer:
Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who
supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of
fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the
ugly parts and recycling it for more than
it’s worth. Baz Luhrmann - Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)


Just bear it in mind as you read this...

...oh and I've altered some bits to keep things private...so here you go.

I have been thinking about it...because I went through a similar situation. I don't believe in advising people on what to do, because everyone has to figure out their own way of doing things.

I don't really have anything to add to your own way of thinking through the situation. Yes it's difficult, yes it's painful, but I get the impression you have no regrets from the whole thing. I don't think it's negative or pathetic to stay friends, or to want to stay friends. I think the problems start if you don't let go of her - 'cos then you'll be thinking you'll get back together or something when she comes back. That would be a difficult situation to get yourself into.

It is going to change her, and it will change you too.

Here are some other points to think about...

First - it takes a lot of courage and maturity to tell the truth about a situation, and then act on it. Courage is being afraid and taking action anyway - it's not like courageous people don't get scared! For both of you to sit down and talk about the future and where things were going for your relationship takes a lot.

Second thing, I strongly believe is that with relationships we have to keep moving it forwards and growing. Otherwise there's no point being together. You know how some couples stay together for years, but nothing changes? They get comfortable and don't put anything into their relationship with each other, don't create something to move it to the next level. If they don't it will die...the problems start when people deny that something is ending. Seems as if you didn't do that - everything had run its natural course - and you were faced with a choice - and have made it.

Third, everything takes work - the OC, One Tree Hill, and Hollywood have got a lot to answer for...that's not what real life is like for us, but people still get upset when their life doesn't look like a film! All relationships take work - friends, family, colleagues whatever...and there are some days I don't wake up full of love for my wife, job, family or whatever...I'm human after all...but then I do have a choice about what I do/ think in the next moment...

Last thing, there's no right or wrong for how long a relationship is supposed to last or what you supposed to do. It's not even about quality or quantity - just your own experience of it all - and it sounds as if you had a good one...life is made up of the good and bad...might as well enjoy misery and happiness - they're part of being alive!

There's always gonna be doubt about 'did I do the right thing?' and the 'what if?' conversations in your head, but that makes no difference really. You can afford the luxury of looking back on really good memories...

Hmm...seems like my thoughts kinda spiralled there...hope there's something useful in this message!

Keep on rockin...

J.

This post was inspired by: someone I used to teach, advice, and pure opinion