Friday, June 08, 2007

Climbing up the Walls

Screaming at the top of your voice and not hearing anything. That's a disturbing dream I have had before. Allowing myself to get so angry that I punch the floor and end up fracturing a knuckle. That's almost ridiculous and teenage like.

And not a dream.

I'm not particularly known for having a bad temper. In fact, it's more the opposite: rational, mature level-headed. But having punched a wall in anger and damaged it, punching the floor the next time I got angry seemed a logical step.

I didn't want to break anything; it was more about hurting myself than hurting anyone else. Physical pain tends to divert the mind from whatever other nonsense is happening. That was the intention anyway.

The punch has brought back to me the rather over-the-top dramatic way I used self-harm when I got angry. It was a way of demanding attention, manipulating others, and as I saw it at the time - keeping myself sane. I assert that anyone immersed in the realm of heavy metal music and alternative culture is doing so as a way of dealing with something. I felt the lyrics, gigs and clubs reflected my state of mind, and allowed me to channel my energy.

In truth, I still do.

I'm not sure what is leading me down this route at the moment, but my level-headedness has deserted me. I know I'm better that this too - that's the rub - I can see that I have a choice about how to behave in any situation, and I'm not making the 'highest' choice.

Still, being dramatic now isn't all-consuming the way it used to be. Thank God.

Speaking of God, I'm also finding it hard to hear God's voice(or said another way, use the Force). Normally, it's loud and clear; the path has been easy to follow. Now I really have to concentrate.

I think the punch was a turning point. Seeing my hand swell up like that, and bruise, really did give me something else to think about! I got a bit of a shock when I went to A&E and saw the x-ray!

It was not only the pain, but starting to examine the motives behind it, and having to explain it to people without wanting to lie or seem dramatic. I wonder what people thought when I told them? Were they uncomfortable? Did they think I was lying? Were they reminded of the times they got angry? Did they enjoy it? Was I enjoying relating the story?

There are also some (important?) people I have not told, and may never know.

I heard a quote somewhere recently that to be angry is to be human. Rage Against the Machine have intoned your "anger is a gift".

Perhaps.

But, however much I might avoid it, I really get: I am not my thoughts and feelings. I have started making little changes. For example, for about six weeks I have not given a second thought as to what I have put inside my body. The food I have eaten has been consistently not good for me. So, since last Thursday I have been elevating my awareness of what I am eating.

I've also been actually doing my Pilates. It's calming, I stand straighter and breathe more effectively. Rather than punching a wall, it's a demands physical concentration in a positive way.

It has taken something from me to effect these little things. First confronting that I am responsible for everything in my life, and then acting on it. I'm reminded of the clever radio advert from BT 118 at the moment - the guy talking about his to do list. How some things are 'permanently mid-table, and never make it to the top.'

Yesterday I completed everything I wanted to complete - and enjoyed it.

All this having a positive effect on my mood and outlook. It's up to me then right? After the up comes a down, and then an up...oh and then a down...a rollercoaster right?

Jesus is my homeboy. He's got my back.

J.

This post was brought to you by Radiohead, one of the most musically innovative bands ever.