Tuesday, May 15, 2007


Hate is a strong word.

There are some people I hate right now.

But they don't know who they are yet.

I was hoping it would pass. But I think I've got to go through it. Over the past couple of weeks I have been present to my 'dark side' if you will more than usual. In fact, I haven't lost my temper more, and been this quick to get angry since I that special weekend in June 1998.

But I tend to turn my hate inwards.

Interestingly, it's affecting my health. After the events of a couple of weekends ago, I got ill almost immediately. Cold, sneezing, blowing my nose all that. Since then, my asthma has been playing up. In fact over the weekend, it was the worst it's been since I was very young.

Now, I know how to control my asthma, and I've been taking my inhalers since I was young; renewing prescriptions, and getting a check-up is a habit for me. But none of those things seemed to work.

Which suggested to me what I knew all along. The link between my health and state of mind is incredibly strong. (No matter how many times I've told someone I know about this, they choose to rubbish what I say, and ignore their own experience...but that's nothing new). The ontological explanation for my asthma? Suffocation perhaps?

Self-improvement is masturbation, maybe self-destruction is the answer...It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything.
Tyler Durden
I have one thing on my side - a good friend is reminding me - distinctions.

More than most people, I have distinctions. And I can't deny that - no matter how much I might suppress the thought, I know there's a distinction between what happened, and what I make it mean.

And he's a pain for reminding me.


Need you
Dream you
Find you
Taste you
Fuck you
Use you
Scar you
Break you
Lose me
Hate me
Smash me
Erase me
Kill me
Kill me
Kill me
Kill me
Kill me
Kill me
Kill me
Kill me

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