Tuesday, November 01, 2016

Life and Soul: Memories of Marcus

Marcus creates...
Two weeks ago, I found out that my grandfather had passed away at the age of ninety-seven.

I'm lucky enough to have had all four of my grandparents in my life, well into my twenties. Living a long life like this, meant that my grandfather's passing, whilst shocking, was not completely surprising. His health had deteriorated over the past few years. He had moved into a care home, and then more recently a nursing home. The last three times I had visited him, he had not recognised me.

This brought my relationship with my dad into focus. Preparing for the funeral has been more about taking care of him than anything else. The main way I was able to do this was by delivering the eulogy at the church service.

This is pretty much what I said:

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As Marcus' grandson, I have three things I remember and I'd like us all to remember about Marcus.

He was the life and soul of many a gathering.

Firstly, he thought big. He wasn't afraid to go for things. And at the same time - he sometimes loved to be the centre of attention.

The area I always think of is all the work he did for the Goan community. That's how most of you might know him - as one of the four founding members of the Goan Overseas Association (GOA). But also - he founded something called the Standing Conference of Goan Organisations (SCOGO).

I remember asking him when I was about ten, "Why did you do all this? What are you trying to do?"
He said, "I wanted to bring together all the different Goan village associations, so that we could all celebrate what it means to be Goan".

Fast forward thirty years, and we have the Goan Festival.

He wasn't afraid to think big.

The second thing: he always wanted to better himself. One of my memories of him is that he was always reading: always reading books, always learning, always pushing himself. Sometimes that made him pushy on me, and my sister and those around him, but he always wanted the best. Because of this reading, it meant he never failed to have an answer for everything. One of the sayings I remember from him is:
Sitting still and wishing
Will not make you great
The good Lord gave you fishing
But you must bring the bait

He pushed himself to develop himself.

Thirdly, he was known for being young at heart, being playful and slightly eccentric. I remember my sister and I were sitting in his flat - I can't have been older than eight or nine - my sister would have been younger - and there was a visitor there. And Lyndsey called him 'Marcus'. The visitor said, "You shouldn't call him Marcus - he's your Grandfather".
My sister replied, "No! Grandfather is in North London".
What she meant by that, was my mum's dad lived in North London. He was Grandad. But Marcus, always for us, was Marcus! As I got older, I realise why he did that. He wanted to be thought of as playful, so he made us call him 'Marcus' rather than 'Grandfather'.

He was young at heart.

So, I will take three things from Marcus' life - and I would like you to the same:
Think big,
Look to better yourself, and
Stay young at heart.

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I've written about Marcus indirectly here.

I've also written about people in my life passing away, namely my:

Saturday, October 29, 2016

Simon's Five Rules For Life

So there's this guy - Si Haines - he's my best friend. Or one of my best friends. He was Best Man at my wedding...and he asked me to return the favour at his wedding in August 2016. Of course one of the key roles of the Best Man is the speech at the wedding. When he gave a speech at my wedding in August 2007, it wasn't like other speeches of this ilk. I remember that he just spoke from the heart. It was funny and touching. I took a similar approach at his wedding, and it went something like this.

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For those of you that don't know me, my name is James - and I went to school with Si - so we've known each other a long time. Having been his friend for over twenty years, I'm going to share with you what I call Simon's Five Rules For Life.

Rule One: Use Your Voice
Simon has *never* been afraid to use his voice. As a non-drinker, when we went out, I was the designated driver. Simon would most often be in the front seat and with the window down, shout various phrases to the people walking innocently on the high street - the Surrey version of a drive-by.

This rule is also shown in Simon's ability to get on with anyone, in pretty much any situation. A job as a barman was perfect. Jobs in sales are also a good match for his skills. He is one of the few people I know who is comfortable talking with a bunch of people into Heavy metal, through to running a youth club. That takes a natural willingness to be with people.

Rule Two: Live By Your Own Rules
As the youngest child of the family, Si was never one to follow the rules *completely*. He knew what the rules were...and played with it. At school, A-Levels sometimes played second to his entrepreneurial endeavours. I remember his attendance wasn't as consistent as it, perhaps, should have been. Sometimes life is just better eating ice-cream and watching DVDs.

This of course doesn't stop Si from achieving things on his own terms. Leaving behind London, singing in Ska band, managing a convenience store, working in sales roles...these are all experiences that Si has done on his own terms, following his heart.

Rule Three: Keep Moving Forward
Simon's CV makes interesting reading. For those of you that don't know, Si has had over thirty different jobs over the years - yes being barman or working in sales...but also some more obscure roles.

I remember going out with a bunch of friends in our area. As we were moving from one pub to another, Si started talking to a Traffic Warden. The rest of us wondered what he was doing. He answered with 'oh yeah - I know him from work'. It turned out, Si had a stint working in 'revenue protection'.

Having said that, Si's recent promotion is testament to his ability to work hard - and always keep himself moving forward.

Rule Four: Value Your Friends and Family
Normally Si is a non-drinker. This does makes him a cheap date. However, Si has often seemed more comfortable behind the bar rather than in front. There was one pub we used to frequent as Sixth Formers on a Saturday night. Somehow, Si ended up working there. I remember buying a round for about five of us, and being charged £1.20.

Si is, of course a good friend - on an individual level and in a group. He is always ready with a story, an encouraging word and something to make us laugh. This is because he values the people around him: friends and family together.

Rule Five: Always Have An Answer
I have a recording of Ratrace performing. The crowd are going wild as they finish a song. In acknowledgement, and without missing beat, Si says to the audience, "Without you we're nothing. Without us, you're nothing".

With Si, just when you think he's said everything, he comes back with a quip. Always having an answer can be frustrating as hell, but it really illustrates that he's been listening, he's comfortable with his family and friends, he thinks of others...and he knows how to work a room.

So Charlotte - remember these rules - he is a great bloke with his heart in the right place. Si take care of her. I love you, we all love you and we wish you all the best for the future.
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I'm posting this a few months after his wedding - after having said I would post it much earlier. Completing this partly from memory may mean I didn't quite say it like this...but it's close!

Enjoy!

Thursday, July 21, 2016

Are there patterns to male friendships?

Being friends with other men has been something with which I've struggled. I've been more at home in the company of women. Maybe it's because there's only eighteen months between myself and my sister; maybe it's because my mother has three sisters; maybe it' s because both my grandmothers are strong characters. I don't know what it is, but it has affected by experience of finding, building and keeping male friends. Like most of these things, the formative experiences are at school. There are three that stick in my mind.

The first is at nursery where we're playing a game. Someone would put one of their hands in the middle of the table. The person next to them would put one of their hands on top of the first person’s. The third person would put their hand on top of the hands on the table, and so on until everyone had one hand in the middle. Then the first person would then put their other hand on top of the growing pile of hands. Everyone else would follow. By this time there were a pile of hands in the middle of the table. The person who had initiated the hand-placing would now have to pull their hand out from the bottom of the pile and put it at the top. The next person would follow, as would the next. From there it would descend into childish screams. This went on repeatedly.

I remember one time putting my hand down on the cold blue plastic of the table. And then I realised my hand was brown and everyone else's wasn't.

The second is wanting to be good at football. Desperately. It was the most important sport in my primary school (and therefore the battleground) - and I just wasn't any good - just small and round. I remember being inspired by the 1986 World Cup in Mexico. I practised in the back garden after school. I set up obstacles indoors with a smaller ball to improve my skills. I would time myself and attempt to get quicker. It didn't work. Being good at football dictated one's place in the primary school hierarchy.

The third is sitting in my first class at secondary school. We were sitting in alphabetical order; my surname beginning with 'D' meant I was nearer the front. I looked around at all the faces. Then it dawned on me that I was the *only* person from my primary school to go to my secondary school. I knew nobody. I *had* to make friends. No pressure. Although, in this all-boys grammar school, I intuitively I realised we were all in the same nervous, oversized-blazered boat. Phew, some relief.

Combine this with regular family gatherings of grandparents, aunties and cousins; multiple conversations with people talking across each other; separated grandparents requiring separate family gatherings (a fact which was lost on me until my teenage years) and there's a good recipe for a socially-able young man. And yet always on the outside, quietly desperate to fit in with everyone else.

Not that I mind much now. In any social gathering, I'm quite happy. I'll find some connection. But it's made me think a lot about all my groups of male friends. There is something distinctive that happens when a bunch of guys gets together. At least in my opinion. There seem to be roles in which we are comfortable. When I look back to my friends at school, there was a definite hierarchy. I found it weird when I went to uni, there were similar roles that people took. And now - as a teacher - I see it with the groups of young men in my school.

From my observations and experience there are different roles within a group of male friends. The rules of the playground change little as we get older. I think there there are seven roles in any group of male friends. Some may be taken by more than one person, and they may be interchangeable, but there is one we gravitate towards.

I was best man recently for my best friend. He's one of the only people from school with whom I'm in regular contact. Even though he lives on the South Coast whereas I live in London Suburbia - about 100 miles away - it hasn't impacted our friendship (he was best man at my 2007 wedding). However, it does mean that I'm not familiar with his group of friends where he lives. After some discussion, my friend settled on a simple stag do.

We bought meat, party food and alcohol, went to the beach and built a fire.

It was a great evening - and not the stereotypical gathering of this type. We spent the evening talking, drinking, eating and getting to know each other. My friend has a very disparate group of friends. As best man (and being in the familiar situation of not knowing anyone) I introduced myself, moved between groups, collected stories about the groom-to-be, and linked everyone together. It was clear why we were all there. I am grateful that my friend has such a supportive and generous group of people living near him.

Not knowing anyone also made it much easier for me to observe. Naturally, I found myself thinking about my stag-do, and my groups of male friends. I noticed patterns.

1) Alpha: Usually physically imposing therefore De facto leader. Occasionally a bully.
2) Second: Hangs onto/ backs up the Alpha.
3) Bantered/ Bullied: Usually the butt of the jokes. Occupies an important space in hierarchy. Leveller - in the sense that it brings everyone together.
4) Weirdo: The creative, out there one. Witty and subversive.
5) Joker: verbally locquacious, another leveller, makes others laugh. Can be a second. Occasionally an Alpha.
6) Nice Guy: He's there. Reliably. If something needs doing - he'll do it - but he'll need asking. There may be more than one in a group.
7) Thinker/ Romantic: Has a tendency theorise/ over romanticise.



Some time in the last year, I read King, Warrior, Magician, Lover : Rediscovering the Archetypes of the Mature Masculine. It describes the archetypes of masculinity - in their young and more mature states. I can see how my characterisations are essentially derived from those - although I didn't notice until the second draft of this post! This suggests that there probably are patterns to male friendships in groups. We are social animals. And a  group needs structure to function.




For men - I think we enjoy putting order to things. Perhaps as you read my patterns or those archetypes you could identify yourself amongst them. That's really the point of writing this.  I like patterns because it makes things easier to understand, connect, replicate and grow. I certainly started to think of my place amongst all this. Where are you? Where do you want to be? I see my preferred role in a group - which you may have guessed is